I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
