when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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