I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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