i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
