Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
