If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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