I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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