I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
