I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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