I think I won the penis lottery.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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