He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i love accidental penises.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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