Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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