So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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