i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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