my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
