The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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