Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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