You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
