I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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