I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
