You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
