Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
