Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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