Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
