true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
