Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
