I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
