I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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