I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
