just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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