so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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