Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
