I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
