I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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