I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
