I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
