This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
