I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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