I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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