you mean i was at the winter classic?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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