Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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