im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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