can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
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