Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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