i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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