well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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