You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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