if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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