Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
