I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
