Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
