i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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