On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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