Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
