how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
