Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize