It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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